Some of the writing seemed a bit stilted, but the underlying story was good enough to overcome that. I also like that I didn't see the ending coming. My only main issue is the introduction of the characters on the screen. Even if it comes a bit late, it's better to make it more natural that expository. But otherwise I really liked this one!Notes as I read through:Page 2: Is there another way you can introduce the names Don and Julio without the "Hey Don" and "Yes Julio" dialogue? It sounds forced and unnatural.Page 3: Your should be you're, as ...

Page 2. I have no idea what the “brush it off motion” is. Instead of making up a name for it, why not just describe the motion? Especially since the next line of dialogue has Tracy saying, “Uncle Big says I need to brush it off.” Never repeat information like that in a screenplay. If you have to, use different wording. Page 2. What is Susan, supermom? I’ve had a few kids myself, and I can tell you I never carried Bactine in my purse. Bandaids and baby-wipes maybe… Page 3. Watch out for the order of things. You have Tracy taking o...

PAGE 1: The opening sequence is really cute! You don\'t need to say establishing shot, we know it\'s an establishing shot. Also keep action / description down to three lines max. Use active voice as opposed to passive voice: \"A neighbor is tethering...\" vs \"A neighbor tethers...\" Active voice sounds a lot better when reading. PAGE 2: Why is tussles capitalized? This kind of writing is dull and lifeless: Several pieces are on his shoulder and in his hair, he has lost his enthusiastic expression and is unimpressed. Albert reaches into t...

Since I\'m using the script notes feature, you\'re going to get the notes as I read along, and then my general observations at the end. Sometimes, I might make a comment, only to discover that the issue has been resolved at a later point. In such a case, ignore the comment if I forget to go back and revise it. Here goes: First off, you need to update your script info. You have cast size listed as \"3-6 Main/Supporting\" and yet you introduce at least 7 characters on the first page alone. Edgar reaches IN his pocket... PAGE 2: Great cha...

Page by Page Script Notes... PAGE 1: \"Establishing a medium sized Midwestern city.\" Do you mean to say \"Establishing SHOT OF A medium sized Midwestern city.\" Either way, you might want to go for a smoother introduction, something like this: \"Run down area of a Midwestern city. Most of the buildings are covered with layers of graffiti.\" An unmarked POLICE CAR with its lights flashing... (sorry, it\'s sometimes easier to make suggestions that say why the original text doesn\'t work for me). How do we know Martin has a slight stutter wh...

First off, I think you did a really good job at handling a tough subject. I am very good friends with two anorexic’s though, and I can tell you that to this day, they will both deny they have an eating disorder. So with that in mind, it might be more realistic if Mike discovers her eating disorder on his own, and forces her to the doctors, as opposed to her writing a note and giving it to the doctor (of whom she already had an appointment). Part of the psychology of anorexia is “control” issues. It makes the anorexic feel in control of so...

Premise. The story definitely lives up to its premise. I thought it was going to be hokey, but I really liked it a lot. Structure. This short was very well structured. It had a clear beginning, middle and end. There were moments of suspense and danger for the protagonist (the balloon), and it had a very satisfying ending. Character. The lead character(s) are both sympathetic (I‘m considering both the balloon and Steven to be main characters). At the end, I feel like we maybe could have gotten to know Steven a little better at the beginni...