Overall impressionBefore I begin I should like to say all opinions are subjective, so when you cast your pearls among us swine you may well feel 'bereft' when we don't find them as tasty as you do.It is obvious that you are a theater aficionado, I am not, so my verdict may well be perceived as degrading. It is not meant to be, it is cautionary. As it stands, I don't think this story has legs or 4 quad appeal, so it will be a tough sell.  You may well know what you are trying to convey but  I am not sure what the main thrust of the sto...

Grave DangerConcept -  I found that your story lacks clarity. You have 1. Bubby love  2.A search for a missing person 3. A cop going undercover in her spare time. You need to stick to a single idea.Story - Is the logline correct in saying it's a search story? If so, you should define the character of the searcher and their flaw. ie. A naive girl decides to find her missing friend. You should then say what happens at the midpoint( success/fail) and what she must learn if she is to succeed.Character - You have used the final pages to de...

I am left with the impression that it is a 'From dusk till dawn' meets 'The Bad News Bears' mash-up. I don't think it works.It's too long to be a one-hour tv episode. I'd cut out all the football as it has a bland rooting factor.  I suggest you concentrate on the evil forces which I think are underwritten.It's not the done thing to mention the music in a script that is to be decided on during production. You can just suggest a title.Logline: A grieving father decides to accompany the neighborhood kids as they go to the football championshi...

I can see you put a lot of effort into this script and I am a little reticent of saying I found it quite impenetrable.As I read it I kept getting a feeling de ja vu, by that I mean the beats were repeating themselves. I think you have written enough material here to space it out over 100 pages. So If you just want a tv episode I suggest you trim it down a bit. Do we need to be told he has a gun so often? Does h have to get tinnitus so often? There was too much emphasis on describing the colorful scenes for my taste, I prefer action events. It d...

When I saw that this was a crime drama I was expecting, a couple of experts punching and counter-punching as they try to usurp the moral high ground. The antagonist makes a case and the protagonist uses the law to undermine his intention. This did not happen.This story seems to pit Minelli's holistic analysis against Ferguson's psychological experience regarding the validity of, and the legal ramifications of, using anatomical dolls, and his theory regarding parental conditioning or as he puts it brainwashing. The lawyers do not seem to be vyin...

SPACE VACATION by Russell EdwardsCONCEPTMy personal opinion of the story is I think it will be a very hard sell. I would not watch it on the TV. Therefore I only give you a score of 1. You have a family going on holiday and playing games. I think you have mistaken skill for conflict. Joey is skilled in the beginning and skilled at the end. (Luke Skywalker went from farm boy to astronaut with the aid of the force.) I realize this is a children's story, but it still needs to follow the dramatic code. Your conflict is with the alien's who are tryi...

How come I'm reading episode 2. If episode 1 was any good it would have been commissioned. In FALLING SKIES, Spielberg has children tell us the earth has been invaded and shows us children’s drawings. In (the original)STAR TREK, Capt. Kirk tells us we are on a 5 year mission to boldly go where no man has gone before. I know nothing about this story, so I need to be told what’s been going on. Who is the hero? Who is the villain? What are the stakes. I’m left hanging. There should be a introduction with clips from the previous episode ...