Barf and Suck Face

FEAR isn't just the name of JORDY SUCCOP’s favorite punk band. Fear rules the awkward, pimply 16-year-old’s life. Deathly afraid of driving a motor vehicle or performing on stage (a definite disadvantage for a wanna-be punk-rock guitarist) Jordy pulls his handy-helper wagon through his Ironton, Ohio neighborhood past his #1 fear: BEN FABER (54) the creepy, bearded recluse who leers out from the crumbling old Victorian on Beech Street.

Jordy’s mentor, music-store owner SID STERN (60s), is unable to make a payment to smalltime thugs, who confiscate a rare, custom-made “Lick’n’hooper” guitar as collateral. Sid is threatened with foreclosure and the Lick’n’hooper is his greatest asset. So, Jordy “borrows” Kiwanis Club scholarship money to reclaim the axe.

When Jordy is harassed by gangbanger BOSCO (17), ironically, it’s bogeyman Ben who comes to his rescue, only to christen Jordy with the moniker, “Suck Face.” Suck Face starts doing odd jobs for cynical, beer-guzzling Ben and an unlikely friendship burgeons between them — based on their mutual passion for punk. Then, Suck Face discovers Ben’s secret past: as “Barf,” co-founder of local rockers Snivel — newly elected to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Sid, Snivel’s original manager, has been paying off Barf’s drug debts — thus, the shakedown from the thugs. Barf pridefully refuses to attend his upcoming Hall induction, calling his commercially successful ex-bandmates “sell-outs.”

After Sid suffers a heart attack, Suck Face promises to deliver the Lick’n’hooper to a buyer named “Joe” at his “gig” in Cleveland Sunday night. Drive-a-phobic Suck Face guilts Barf into chauffeuring Snivel’s old band hearse, commencing a wild, cross-state road trip, with a night of frog gigging, an encounter in a sinking raft with an aromatic water snake, a frog-leg breakfast with a May-December lesbian couple, and Barf shaming Suck Face into screeching a spirited campfire concert.

In Dayton, a visit with ex-roadie/explosives-enthusiast BOOMER (60) and his street-wise granddaughter CYBELA (17) sends Barf on a bender. He impersonates Joaquin Phoenix to score cocaine from the same thugs who shook down Sid, then smashes a pub TV — with the Lick’n’hooper. When Barf wins the best-beard contest at Germanfest, the thugs realize they were duped and retaliate by breaking his hand. Boomer prevents worse injury with a dynamite explosion.

Painkillers render Barf incapable of driving, forcing Suck Face to pilot the hearse to Cleveland — with the thugs on his tail. The delivery address for the Lick’n’hooper turns out to be Public Auditorium and Joe (last name Perry)’s “gig” is riffing on “Walk This Way” for Run DMC’s R&R Hall induction.

Disguised with a backstage make-up-room makeover, Barf evades the thugs by joining Snivel on stage. But his hand is broken, so Suck Face has to sub on Barf’s guitar parts in front of millions. After some false starts, Suck Face flips fear the bird and rocks the house! Joe Perry, however, passes on the dinged-up Lick’n’hooper.

Suck Face returns to Ironton the new local rock-God. When he goes to face the Kiwanis, he’s shocked to find his scholarship fund replenished. Seems Barf sold his priceless vinyl record collection — for that purpose, and to buy Suck Face the Lick’n’hooper. The R&R Hall broadcast spikes downloads from Barf’s old solo records, putting Sid back in bizness. And Suck Face’s band, The Suck Ups, has a bass player: ex-gangbanger Bosco.