The Cabin on Lake Kilawakko

Dottie Ingalls drinks boxed wine while enjoying the rhythmic vibrations of her second hand wash machine to avoid the dysfunction in her marriage. She worries about her son, Chip, whose latest misadventure involves getting his ass whipped by his sixty three year-old English Lit professor and about her peculiar daughter, Connie, who seems destined to go through life with a pet rat as her only companion.

The downturned economy is kicking the ass of Dottie’s VCR repairman husband Gary. Gary has gotten religion in the form of a third-world god recommended by a third-rate spiritualist, Mystic Mavis. Mavis gives the wisdom of the universe freely to those who seek it but charges forty seven-fifty for her homemade tamales, a prerequisite for seeking said wisdom.

It seems the dark forces of fate have answered Gary’s twisted prayers when a lawyer informs the Ingalls family they’ve just inherited the infamous Lofgren cabin on Lake Kilawakko! Not only is the cabin haunted, but Lake Kilawakko is notoriously plagued by mutant radioactive beavers – the hideous by-product of years of illegal dumping by Grandma’s Old Fashioned Chemical Company - and sits in the woods inhabited by the dreaded psycho killer Mongoloid Ray.

Good crusted Christmas, is Gary going to be able to collect on his family’s life insurance policies by taking them up there for a family getaway and feigning a VCR repair emergency to call him away?!

It’s not long after Gary abandons his family that Dottie’s son discovers the ghost of Kurt Lofgren reading his newspaper in the kitchen and then flees to parts unknown. Connie ventures off to find her brother, but instead finds a tighty-whitey-clad Mongoloid Ray making breakfast in his shack in the woods, which startles Ray and causes him to flee in embarrassment. Connie is touched and so she spruces up Ray’s abode, which brings them together in ways we don’t want to think about. Dottie soon finds herself dealing with her son’s disappearance, a budding relationship with the gory apparition, and her daughter’s blossoming into womanhood with Lake Kilawakko’s resident deformed maniac.

In the middle of the night, Mavis jumps up from a nightmarish vision telling her about the Ingalls Family peril and immediately sets out to the rescue with her dozen cats in tow.

Little do any of them know that Gary has been bitten by a mutant beaver, an event which is precipitating startling changes that make him even more of a beast than the simple treacherous dickhead he was. If Connie’s new beau Ray can’t stop the snarling creature Gary has become, Dottie and the kids will have to rise to the occasion if they’re ever to see their Middle American suburban tract home again!