Jesus Christ is resurrected three days after dying on the cross. His first order of business is to find and kill Pontius Pilate. Next, he kills three Pharisee priests in gruesome fashion. Spurius, a Roman Centurion detective assigned to the killings, visits Jesus 's tomb on a hunch and finds the body missing. The Devil visits a vulnerable Jesus in the night and confirms Jesus’s worst fears; God has indeed forgotten about his only son and flaked on the whole resurrection plan. Satan reveals it was he himself- not God- who brought Jesus back to life, and now Jesus must forever do his bidding.

Jesus gathers his old Apostles and gives a PowerPoint presentation on Christ-ianity, the evil new religion he and Satan invented. Mary Magdalene, Jesus’s old gal pal, is abducted and taken to the top of Mt. Olivet where Jesus plans to marry her in an apocryphal ceremony. No one is happy when Satan shows up to officiate the wedding. Spurius, who’s fallen for Mary, scales the mountain and frees her from her chains.

God finally appears and destroys Satan, albeit with great difficulty. God apologizes to Jesus for being such a terrible father. Vowing to do right by his son- and the world- for once he turns Jesus to dust.