Simon Says

SIMON SAYS.

Logline - Three men, infatuated with the same female secret agent, compete in a mad chase across Europe to be the one to save her from the murderous leader of a mythical Greek sect.

Simon Says is a feature length ensemble comedy set between England and Greece. With certain similarities to Johnny English and a definite touch of Some Like It Hot, it comes complete with its own team of of blundering heroes and a very unique antagonist.

SIMON SADDLER is an enigmatic character, good looking but twisted. He's filthy rich, has a private island and a swanky yacht. In reality though, Simon is only popular with the ladies because he's hot on hypnosis. Sadly for Simon his genetic lineage left him with a crab claw for a right arm.

Even deformity doesn't deter Simon from attempting to fulfill his one aim in life which is to marry the reincarnation of the moon goddess, Selene. As he's never really quite sure if he's found the right one, Simon collects girls. Quite a lot of them. The sect rule is they must do as Simon says, when Simon says. When Simon discovers his latest treasure isn't Selene he deletes them from his list.

This may be good for Simon's island housekeeping, but its brought him to the attention of Sect Watch who have been keeping an eye on him. They really would like to find him and catch him in the act. They just don't seem to be able to manage it.

ADAM, lean, ambitious and somewhat feminine, works for Sect Watch as a secretary. He's desperate to get out from behind his desk and go on an undercover mission. He'll go to any length to become a fully fledged agent. And he's been making-up for the boss. Yes, he really will go as far as painting his nails and wearing a skirt. And so, EVE is born of Adam's rib and is sent to Athens to infiltrate Simon's sect.

SHIRLEY, the CEO of Sect Watch, has taken a shine to Adam. He thinks he shows outstanding potential. He would. He's a part time drag queen who likes nothing better than wearing his dresses to work. Shirley is also a terrible judge of character. If she hadn't have been she'd never have employed -

PETER, Adam's immediate superior. Once a field agent, a serious mission failure ruined Peter's career and dented his delicate ego. Now he's just a paper pusher and a Ninja when no-ones looking. Peter strives to prove he's worthy of being called an agent again, strives to be strong, virile and a gentleman in the hope someone will fall in love with him. He strives. Enough said.

Peter is smitten with Eve when he gives her a briefing for her mission. But he's got a score to settle with Simon Saddler and has no intention of letting any woman finish what he couldn't. He goes AWOL from his job and rows to Greece in a rubber dinghy.

When another body washes up on a beach in Greece the local police call in STAVROS. The rest of them are just too busy drinking cold coffee to handle the case. Stavros is a Greek tourist guide with aspirations. He's also a Sirtaki-dancing, part-time policeman whose life role model is Thomas Magnum. Problem is the only common denominator between Stavros and Magnum is an over-sized mustache. He also falls for Eve after incidentally meeting her at the airport.

Adam, as Eve, fulfills his mission and becomes part of Simon's sect. Simon's over the moon and whisks her away on his yacht. After a quick introduction to island life, he arranges their marriage.

Adam is already flat out on the alter, wearing a wedding dress, when the rescue squad converge on the island.

Stavros, invited to dance at the wedding, realises Eve is the bride. He's hurt, but not too much as the bridesmaids are very attractive too. Monogomy and Magnum just don't mix.

Mayhem ensues when Peter arrives and takes on Simon in a supernatural battle among the temple ruins. They fight it out Ninja-style until, clinging to the top of a column, Peter discovers a fear of heights.

Its up to Shirley, in catsuit and stilettos, to terminate the battle. But even her skills don't prevent Simon from slipping away.

Stavros sails everyone back to reality after stealing Simon's yacht. After which, there's really no other way to end this film than with a Sirtaki flash-dance in the ruins of the Acropolis.