The film begins in 1878 while the hero Pete, and his love interest Belle, are young children, it's love at first site for one of them. The opening narration tells of the legend of the Dread Pirate Black Bart Roberts, and how this title, "Dread Pirate", is handed down from one Captain to the next, causing people not in the loop, to believe the Dread Pirate to be an immortal. By the order of Black Bart's Ghost, the current living "Dread Pirate", must take wealth from the rich, and redistribute it according to the wishes of a secret society called the Society of Social Justice, or The Sausages.

While Pete takes his first ship he falls overboard and is attacked by sharks and barely survives to reclaim the helm, and secure the ship. Due to those sharks, and the water, Pete is paralyzed by fear, so he opts to retire early from piracy to take on the task of growing marijuana, which he uses to trade for diamonds with the African Native People.

This entire time he is married to a beautiful woman named Belle, she is the daughter of the former Dread Pirate Miguel, the man who trained Pete. On their wedding night, her father Miguel, finds out Pete's the next Dread Pirate, so he ships him out on his wedding night, unconsummated.

Belle's best friend is Penny Wood, her husband is Gunnar Wood , the antagonist. Gunnar goes astray of the law, and to save his neck, Belle offers Gunnar her passage to Africa, so he can go hide out with Pete.

When Pete and Gunnar meet, it starts off as a Donny-brook, but it soon escalates to a battle of lunatic proportion. Gunnar commandeers Pete's ranch crew and begins his campaign of destruction and greed upon Pete's friends, the African natives and eventually both men's wives.

It's all up to Pete to stop Gunnar, save their wives, and protect the world from this charming villain, who has as strange a way with words, as he does with people. The movie ends with a new and better status quo and a happily ever after Hollywood ending, when Pete stops Gunnar, saves his wife and the lives of his friends, and then reclaims his rightful position as the "Dread Pirate Hathcock"!